Crushed.

So this is it.

Now it's been made official: I am now at the backseat. I am now no longer allowed to make a move; not one bit of assertion or public affirmation of the gamut of my fraught affections.

I am now a thing of the past--a shadow of what has been and will never be.

My eyes are arid, but my innards are deluged by a hurricane of emotions. Seeing you, the both of you, together, happy [albeit hopefully not mutually in love]--is about the most painful thing that I have ever felt in my entire life.

If only I know how to cry. Unfortunately, I don't.

But if my tears could change your mind. If my teardrops were so precious that they  could make your heart see my being, my soul, my love, my everything--so much that you could have a change of heart and mind and run back to lay in my ever-welcoming company--then I would gladly cry rivers and seas and oceans for you.

But then, I have to face the reality that you are comfortably cradled in someone else's company right now.

I might be charged for misconstruing actions; condemn me for all I care. The fact remains that I cannot bear to see your photos with someone else. I cannot bear to see you happy with someone else. I feel so helpless; inevitably helpless that I am not and cannot be the source of such joy. It pains me, yes; and I can cuss at the wind towards the depletion of my vocabulary--but that might just be the greatest damage I can muster.

I hate this unjust life--this life that hands the goods to those who are well-resourced and well-endowed; those who are able to make their moves without having to be a deer in the headlights because they know that have nothing to lose. As for those like me who has got everything to lose, they are at the sidelines--waiting for an opportunity; an opportunity that might have already passed by without them taking notice.

But me, did I ever have such opportunity? No. I have always been in a most vulnerable position where I only get what I am handed; where I am most dependent of whatever little chances I get from the dictations of fate. I never had the chance.

Life is so unfair.

Now, I've become a non-believer of love more than ever before.

My life might as well be a laughingstock. My life dwells in the past. My life is defined by things that are not meant to be and by fantasies that cannot be grounded by even the tiniest stronghold of reality. 

It's either I wake up now, or I let this joke of a life hang by its thinning thread until it falls down to the abyss of insuperable Gehenna.

This is the saddest day of my life. I am crushed, and I don't know where else to go.