Clemency

The evening reeks of wet indifference. I cannot stomach this kind of muggy atmosphere. I guess the humidity is more than a broken soul could bear. Now where is that cigarette? Ahh, there it is. Perfect. Just what I needed.

Now where were we? Yes, my anguish. What a terrible thing to talk about.

The past couple of weeks have been the most difficult of times. The love of my life has left me for another; and life hasn't yet dished out the much awaited surprise that could hopefully turn the tables to my favor. I have been storming the heavens--praying, asking for that salvific miracle.

Yet, even hope seems to waver under the increasing pressures of reality. I feel like I'm being pushed away...

Pushed away from the future I've so carefully and lovingly envisaged. Pushed away by the only person I love--with whom I have shared and planned my future ... Our future.

Yeah, it sucks.

Yeah, it hurts.

Each day goes by in such a protracted pace that existence has become grueling in itself. I would burst into tears and bawl my wits out, but the tears always fail to wash away the pain. My eyes have been arid for too long and I never thought that they would gush for such a wretched reason. My tears: oh how they accurately depict my emotions!

Briny and bitter.

Stinging and excruciating.

Life is not fair. I have tried to play by the rules, but to what avail? I am left without the plum; and in exchange I get to have this hodgepodge of feelings that fail to justify my outmost despondency.

I am confused, for I don't know what to do. I am afraid, for I don't know what lies ahead. I am lost, for I don't know where to go. I am discouraged, for I have lost my only bastion of happiness.

Every day is hell; every day is a struggle.

I am deeply overwhelmed by this hurting pain. I am reduced towards the verge of helplessness.

God ... Why?

I can't help but ask. I would like to know the reasons, for whatever they're worth. If anything, justification seems to be most rational at this point, though I know that my logical faculty would instantaneously reject anything of such sort.

Even my music has betrayed my stab at pretension. For so long, I been creating music with love as an inspirational backdrop. I took may art and exploited its limitless power to proclaim my love to the whole world. Now that my heart is slowly turning into stone, each note has become steely and shrill and obnoxious. Nothing about me can deny my hurt. I guess my feelings have their own way of getting heard.

But the human mind can only endure for so long. I know I'll get over this. It will take time, but it will happen. I won't cave in. I am strong.

Now for the last stick in the pack. Good thing my cigarettes won't leave me. I wouldn't know how to live without them.